UNEXPECTED BREAK-UP Part 1
Heartbreak hurts. If you’ve ever had a broken heart before, you will definitely understand how it feels. I was terribly hurt by my fiancé Barry but I managed to get up and started living again. It wasn't easy at all because he was my first love. Figuratively, he was the air I breathed, I worshipped him, he was simply my life and I never for once saw us breaking up. (you just know how it is when you are head over heels in love with someone).
I met Barry when I was in Grade 11 and he was in his 1st year at the university. We attended the same church but different congregations. We were close as friends and he would help me with school work whenever I faced difficulties. The chemistry that started brewing between us, especially when I started college was evident and got people talking. Eventually we had no choice but to announce our relationship! Barry got a good job upon completion and I was so happy for him, but just after six months he was given a scholarship to go and study abroad for 2 yrs!
I was sad when Barry left, but happy that we kept contacts on a daily basis. It was like love made in heaven. The distance between us made our love grow stronger and was assurance enough that I had nothing to worry about!...We had our high and low moments but we figured out the secret ingredient to making our relationship look so easy. The great thing was we could confide in each other about anything and in return we got the honest feedback.A year later, when Barry came for his vacation he proposed to me, it was really a wonderful occasion graced by some of our close relatives and friends.
Two years went so quickly and Barry was finally back for Good. As I still lived under my parent's roof, I crooked up a planned of how I was going to spend my weekend with Stacy my best friend. My parents did not object, but they advised me to be careful. Off I went, Just by the corner Barry was waiting for me and we went to his house. It was a wonderful weekend and I was ready to lose my virginity, but came back to my senses that we promised to wait.Barry was a gentle man because he understood, if it were for others it would have been a different story!
Anyways, our love kept growing and Barry had to come to my parent's house four months later and asked for my hand in marriage. After he was charged, he paid it all at once the following weekend and proposed if we could have both the kitchen and wedding parties within 5 months. It was a done deal and it was further agreed that the events be done two weeks apart! That was how my excited mother and aunties started forming committees for the kitchen party!! ..
UNEXPECTED BREAK-UP Part 2
Barry used to travel a lot for his work, especially to Livingstone and sometimes abroad. I didn't have insecurities about my fiancés travelling because he loved me and that was all that mattered.I never for once felt like I was walking on eggshells! Besides, all the preparations had commenced and in full force. Both the venues for the kitchen and wedding parties were paid for. My wedding dresses and bridal dresses were all bought, literally everything was ready and so we were just waiting for the proposed dates for our functions!
One fateful Friday evening which was a month prior to my kitchen party, my fiancé Barry came home and these were the exact words he uttered ''Imagine baby, my boss has asked me to travel to Tanzania for a workshop tomorrow, but I am not ready’’. I encouraged him not to go if he wasn’t ready especially that he didn’t have enough time to prepare, but he didn’t want to disappoint his boss.’’Honey, I am not happy that I am going to Tanzania, but the best part is these allowances will be of great help towards our wedding’’, he said.I hugged him and told him I was surely going to miss him; little did I know, that marked the end of our relationship!
After Barry left my place that evening, his phone was unreachable. I tried sending messages and calling him like we normally did, but to no avail. I just convinced myself that he was probably stressed about the trip and he needed rest. At least he found time in his busy schedule to come and say bye to me was my consolation!
Three days without hearing from him, got me worried! it was unlike Barry, something was definitely wrong somewhere.Barry always kept contacts every time he was out of town/country. Anyways, as patient, as the vulture I waited for the one week to elapse, so that he could come back from the trip.
Friday mid-morning, which was a week later I found a lot of missed calls from a private number, so I became delighted, thinking that finally Barry was trying to get hold of me. I held on to the phone so that I could not miss the call, but unfortunately the unknown caller never called again. At lunchtime,Stacy came by and she looked so disturbed. The good part was Fridays were usually half days for the both of us. I asked Stacy what the matter was, then she faked a smile and told me she had some news about Barry. I quickly cut her short and told her I found some unknown missed calls, when I had gone to attend the meeting. I further went on telling her that probably that was why he decided to call on her phone.. ''Girlfriend bring it on,I am all ears'' I told Stacy...
UNEXPECTED BREAK-UP Part 3
We passed through a restaurant for our lunch before we drove to Stacy's home. After we were settled, she told me to be strong as what she was going to tell me was heartbreaking. I asked a lot of questions whether Barry was alive or not and Stacy answered that he was fine. After a 10 minute silence, she told me that Barry had married a woman from Livingstone and they were on honeymoon in Mombasa.
I couldn't believe my ears, was I dreaming or not? I tried asking a lot of questions and before Stacy could answer her work mate came over. She introduced herself as Yvonne; actually she was the cousin of the girl whom Barry had married and she even attended their wedding. Stacy and Yvonne were not friends per se, and they worked in different departments.
Hence, after Yvonne showed the wedding pics of her cousin Carol to her colleagues at work, that's how they became a bit closer. Stacy called Yvonne by the side so that she could give her the info about Barry's wedding and she did. Yvonne was invited to Stacy's house so that she could prove to me that the news about Barry was really true!
Yvonne explained everything about Barry and Carol's relationship. ''They met seven months ago while Barry had gone to Livingstone for work '' narrated Yvonne. She was in shock and surprised that Barry could treat a woman like that. She also couldn't believe Carol and I could not meet at all, because she often visited Barry at his house and vice versa! Yvonne showed us the wedding pictures, but I was in denial and lost for words.Reality struck me when I looked at the pictures for the third time. I couldn't hold my emotions, I burst into tears to an extent where the two girls failed to console me but joined in shedding tears!.
I went back home and just the look on my face told my parents all wasn't well. I couldn't hide such a thing because it was really devastating! I could see my father was extremely disappointed, but all he told me was ''cry it over so that it comes out. This is a lost battle not worth fighting for, you see my daughter, he is now a married man. Don't contact him, you will just be hurting yourself. When the dust is settled, I will ask him to come and collect his bride price (dowry)''said my father. My mother comforted and assured me that it was just a phase that will come to pass, hard as it might be!
I saw my world crumbling right in my face, how was I going to carry on? The load was too heavy for me as it came as a blow, no quarrel nor misunderstanding, but where did I go wrong to be treated like this?. How was I going to handle the situation, especially that the kitchen party /wedding preps had started? The wedding dresses, what was I going to do with them? Why was he leading me on if he knew he was going to marry another woman? It would have been better if he had broken up with me before asking for my hand in marriage... No one is perfect and I placed Barry in ''the not all men cheat category'',alas I was wrong!Instead what he put me through was deep and beyond my expectations!.My head all of a sudden became crowded of so many thoughts and unanswered questions...
UNEXPECTED BREAK-UP Part 4
The weekend was over and I was back at work. However, I looked wasted that Monday and all my workmates were so worried to see me in such a horrible state! My boss told me to take a break from work if I wanted after hearing what had happened. I really needed a breather, so I took a month leave. The news of my break up was unbelievable in people's ears and spread like fire within a few days. Some sincerely sympathized with me while for others it was jubilation! In this world such is expected! I was extremely angry at Barry's family too. I felt they all made a fool out of my family and I,at least they should have told or tipped us about it. The weekend that followed, Barry's relatives came to ask for forgiveness, but my relatives were really angry and didn't give them a proper audience. My father told them that the damage had already been caused and if they really respected and loved us, they would have come to inform my family about the change of events before the wedding took place! They apologized and said they were embarrassed to face my family at that time! My uncle then asked them to take their dowry and they refused and stated they didn't come for that. hi low wedding dresses
I heed my parent's advice of not contacting Barry. However, two weeks later, he called Stacy and told her that he was really surprised about my silence,''Rita is proud, many women would fight''. In all honesty what was there to fight for? She was his wife not girlfriend for God's sake!
I am sure he expected me to start chasing after him... A week later he had the audacity to call me so that he could explain everything and that he was sorry. I turned down his request because if I fell for it, he would have gone in my pants, leaving me more heartbroken. Since I still had feelings for him, I avoided meeting him at all costs. I went into depression and I lost some weight, the break up came when I least expected it and was so hard on me! A month later, my parents called his middle man to come and collect the dowry, but they couldn't come and instead insisted my family keeps it. Resuming work was of great help and so was Stacy and Yvonne, who checked on me regularly !
Five months later, in our high spirits Stacy and I went for lunch at levy junction, guess who we bumped into? BARRY and his wife Carol, hand in hand! When he saw us he let go of the wife's hand. He greeted us and failed to introduce his wife, then Stacy told him, she was beautiful, but not compared to me... and that's how we left them standing in disbelief! In the evening Barry sent a text complementing my looks and I didn't respond. I think because of Barry's behaviour, the wife started stalking me on Facebook and tried sending friendship requests,using different accounts which I turned down. It didn't end there, she started sending text messages warning me to leave her hubby alone... It was really surprising because not even one-day did I ever send, write or reply to any of Barry's messages. I told Yvonne about it and that's how she stopped.
Carol had insecurities because the first five months after getting married, She was still working in Livingstone, waiting for her transfer to be finalized. She only joined the hubby over the weekends... I am sure she thought I would be going to her house to see Barry. I wouldn't sink so low after all the humiliation he caused me, I just couldn't. I vowed if it meant dying single, so it would have been than going back to my vomits! Marriage is a big step in life and for Barry to choose Carol over me (Rita) he weighed his pros and cons carefully. For that reason I wouldn't cross his path and hence our chapter was forever closed!
According to Yvonne it was like there was no peace in their home, so Carol thought probably I was the contributing factor. Yvonne is a nice person and I knew she genuinely sympathized with me, but I didn't want to be close with her because she was connected to Carol and Barry.
I slowly started healing, as they say time heals all wounds, it surely did! I still believed in love and I gave a relationship another try after 2 years. Joe and I married after a year of dating. We have a wonderful relationship and are now blessed with 3 children, 3 year old twin boys and a one-year-old baby girl!
Yvonne is happily married with two lovely kids while Stacy is engaged to be married and her wedding is set for the 23rd of December this year! I am so so happy for her!
Barry and Carol are still married, but they don't have a child yet! I wish God can grant them their heart desires the soonest!
I came to realize that Barry and I were never meant to be but he was just my introduction to relationships! Maybe if we had gotten married, I wouldn't have been as happy as I am with Joe. He would probably have been cheating on me'' as they say once a cheat always a cheat ''I can now gladly say ''it was indeed a blessing in disguise''!.
I dealt with my breakup by:
- Praying so that God could give me the strength to carry on and it really helped.
- Taking my time to heal by involving myself in various activities.Like writing ,which has become my favourite hobby ! I always found comfort in surrounding myself with positive people, who made me happy and added value to my life. Happiness can be contagious.
- Crying my heart out whenever I felt the pain, helped me to release my anger and tensions. However, we all have different ways of coping and overcoming a heartbreak.
- Accepting the breakup as a part of life and that Barry was a closed chapter, also helped greatly. I didn't want any confrontations or embarking on hurt by causing unnecessary dramas, but I chose to Forgive Barry.'' Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Sometimes it is very hard to move on, but when you eventually do, you will see that it is the best decision you have ever made''
I dated Barry since I was a teenager while he and Carol only dated for seven months and they ended up together. This only shows that '' sometimes'' dating someone for a long time is not a guarantee that you will marry that person. The other thing is, I was a virgin, but he still left, so for me, I would say '' this marriage thing is just luck''! It is always good to bear in mind that tomorrow comes with a lot of unforeseen occurrences and challenges.Someone can change due to a lot of factors and circumstances eg: the friends they hang out with, boredom (when one feels like the partner is boring)falling out of love, lust and so forth......
Lastly, just because someone you loved ''wholeheartedly'' broke your heart terribly, does not mean everybody who crosses your path will do the same thing, NO! It simply means you were not just meant to be together and there's surely somebody else out there, destined to be with you at the right time!
Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” God never turns away from those who are hurting. Have patience, knowing he has a plan for you.
UNEXPECTED BREAK-UP Part 1